Breastfeeding: Giving up

There,

from the title of this entry,

you know that I've given up.

Yes, I have, it's true.

and you are probably reading this to find out why.

It is simple.

I have no milk.

My decent-size boobs failed me.

Actually, 

I've been wanting to blog about this,

but have been procrastinating

because I know many (those cow mummies aka breast milk advocates) will judge me.

"YOU CAN DO IT"

"AS LONG AS THERE'S DEMAND, THERE WILL BE SUPPLY"

"YOU NEED TO KEEP ON PUMPING"

"KEEP LATCHING"

I heard so much encouragements that made me believed in my boobs.

that made me believed that my boobs just need some time.

Anyway,

I'm blogging this now,

because I just read someone's confession about giving up breastfeeding

and I thought there should be more light on this

so that people with boobs failure like me won't feel so lonely so outcast.

Prior to giving birth,

I was 100% sure that breast milk it is!

It is free and it is said to be sooooo damn good for baby.

My boobs aint tiny,

they aint HUGE either

but I was confident that such size would not have any problem with generating milk.

So much so,

I went ahead and bought lactation tea, breast pads and storage bags.

Storage bags,

120 pieces!

I was so confident man, I wanted to store milk for my baby

when I'm away for holiday next year.

(YOU BAD MOTHER, NO MILK AND GOING FOR HOLIDAY!)

25 Nov 2013,

I gave birth to my baby,

the gynae asked me if I would like to let my baby latch (while my vagina get sewn up).

Without a doubt,

I said YES!

Baby's so clever and started suckling,

but the bad mother here has no milk, zero milk.

Gynae said it's ok,

will take a few days before milk comes.

But at that point,

I felt pretty sad because some mummies are so lucky,

their milk were dripping from their boobs even before giving birth.

What's wrong with mine?!!

But being the EX-breast milk advocate me, 

I still opt for full breast feeding.

So, each day, every few hours, the nurses would bring baby to me to latch on.

This continued for 2 days,

until baby started crying.

We had no choice,

so we fed baby glucose water,

hoping that I will have milk SOON.

Then, the feeding of glucose water became so frequent,

I couldn't bear to let my poor baby go hungry just because her mummy has no milk.

If you gonna comment that it is okay,

the baby has enough in her body to last a few days.

NO IT IS NOT OKAY.

IT IS NOT OKAY WHEN SHE SUCKLE ON YOUR TITS FOR 30MINS EACH SIDE,

AND STILL ENDED UP CRYING.

CAN U IMAGINE THAT POOR BABY SUCKLE FOR 1 HOUR?

Not to mention that I was so weak (I don't know why),

my whole body was jelly.

The final straw came when my baby needs to stay in the hospital for another day

because of jaundice and G6PD,

while I get discharged.

The nurse asked if I would like to stay another day 

since I opt for full breastfeeding.

The husband asked me to discharge and pump milk out 

so that he can bring it to the hospital for baby.

I wasn't confident that I was able to pump out enough milk worthy to deliver from home to hospital,

so I gave in to formula milk.

I went home without baby,

with stitches all the way to the arsehole.

I stepped into the house,

and people asked why baby is not back with me.

and people asked why I no milk.

and people asked why my tummy is still so big.

I'M SO GOING INTO DEPRESSION,

THANK YOU.

I just wanna collapse on the bed, guilt-free, please.

I ate expensive fish everyday,

popped pills to have milk,

but to no avail.

The max I could get was 20ml,

by pumping and literally manually squeezing (deflating) my boobs for 1 hour.

Husband said so little,

might as well don't feed and throw away.

*eyes shoot daggers*

I'M HAVING DEPRESSION ALREADY.

Went facebook mummies community,

and cow mummies having engorgement,

cow mummies pumping 200ml in 30 mins.

HOW DID THEY DO IT?!

Baby's home,

and I continued latching.

Each time after latching for God knows how long,

baby still cried for hunger,

and my body is so jelly.

I was encouraged to give up by husband and mil,

but I preserved and still wants to and hope to be able to increase my supply by more latching.

Eventually,

it became 

"WHY U STILL NO MILK?"

"U HAVE MILK ANOT ONE?"

THE BREAST FEEDING ADVOCATE ME has read so much about breastfeeding,

even taking note how long breast milk can last in freezer, chiller, etc.

ALL THIS MAKES ME DEPRESSED,

SO MUCH SO THAT I HATED EVERYONE,

EVERYONE.

In the toilet,

I made a life-impacting decision.

I am giving up,

and giving in to formula milk.

I came out of the toilet a changed person,

the world seems better.

Breastfeeding advocates, hold your horses.  

OKAY,

I STILL LATCH MY BABY ONCE A DAY.

I latch my baby when she fuses after feeding.

Though I am sure she is probably getting only 5-10ml from me,

I think I am more like a human pacifier to her ._.

But at least,

she is getting the 5-10ml of the goodness of breast milk.

Somemore,

mine's like limited edition,

so it is the goodness of the goodness (LOL).