Breastfeeding: Giving up

There,

from the title of this entry,

you know that I've given up.

Yes, I have, it's true.

and you are probably reading this to find out why.

It is simple.

I have no milk.

My decent-size boobs failed me.

Actually, 

I've been wanting to blog about this,

but have been procrastinating

because I know many (those cow mummies aka breast milk advocates) will judge me.

"YOU CAN DO IT"

"AS LONG AS THERE'S DEMAND, THERE WILL BE SUPPLY"

"YOU NEED TO KEEP ON PUMPING"

"KEEP LATCHING"

I heard so much encouragements that made me believed in my boobs.

that made me believed that my boobs just need some time.

Anyway,

I'm blogging this now,

because I just read someone's confession about giving up breastfeeding

and I thought there should be more light on this

so that people with boobs failure like me won't feel so lonely so outcast.

Prior to giving birth,

I was 100% sure that breast milk it is!

It is free and it is said to be sooooo damn good for baby.

My boobs aint tiny,

they aint HUGE either

but I was confident that such size would not have any problem with generating milk.

So much so,

I went ahead and bought lactation tea, breast pads and storage bags.

Storage bags,

120 pieces!

I was so confident man, I wanted to store milk for my baby

when I'm away for holiday next year.

(YOU BAD MOTHER, NO MILK AND GOING FOR HOLIDAY!)

25 Nov 2013,

I gave birth to my baby,

the gynae asked me if I would like to let my baby latch (while my vagina get sewn up).

Without a doubt,

I said YES!

Baby's so clever and started suckling,

but the bad mother here has no milk, zero milk.

Gynae said it's ok,

will take a few days before milk comes.

But at that point,

I felt pretty sad because some mummies are so lucky,

their milk were dripping from their boobs even before giving birth.

What's wrong with mine?!!

But being the EX-breast milk advocate me, 

I still opt for full breast feeding.

So, each day, every few hours, the nurses would bring baby to me to latch on.

This continued for 2 days,

until baby started crying.

We had no choice,

so we fed baby glucose water,

hoping that I will have milk SOON.

Then, the feeding of glucose water became so frequent,

I couldn't bear to let my poor baby go hungry just because her mummy has no milk.

If you gonna comment that it is okay,

the baby has enough in her body to last a few days.

NO IT IS NOT OKAY.

IT IS NOT OKAY WHEN SHE SUCKLE ON YOUR TITS FOR 30MINS EACH SIDE,

AND STILL ENDED UP CRYING.

CAN U IMAGINE THAT POOR BABY SUCKLE FOR 1 HOUR?

Not to mention that I was so weak (I don't know why),

my whole body was jelly.

The final straw came when my baby needs to stay in the hospital for another day

because of jaundice and G6PD,

while I get discharged.

The nurse asked if I would like to stay another day 

since I opt for full breastfeeding.

The husband asked me to discharge and pump milk out 

so that he can bring it to the hospital for baby.

I wasn't confident that I was able to pump out enough milk worthy to deliver from home to hospital,

so I gave in to formula milk.

I went home without baby,

with stitches all the way to the arsehole.

I stepped into the house,

and people asked why baby is not back with me.

and people asked why I no milk.

and people asked why my tummy is still so big.

I'M SO GOING INTO DEPRESSION,

THANK YOU.

I just wanna collapse on the bed, guilt-free, please.

I ate expensive fish everyday,

popped pills to have milk,

but to no avail.

The max I could get was 20ml,

by pumping and literally manually squeezing (deflating) my boobs for 1 hour.

Husband said so little,

might as well don't feed and throw away.

*eyes shoot daggers*

I'M HAVING DEPRESSION ALREADY.

Went facebook mummies community,

and cow mummies having engorgement,

cow mummies pumping 200ml in 30 mins.

HOW DID THEY DO IT?!

Baby's home,

and I continued latching.

Each time after latching for God knows how long,

baby still cried for hunger,

and my body is so jelly.

I was encouraged to give up by husband and mil,

but I preserved and still wants to and hope to be able to increase my supply by more latching.

Eventually,

it became 

"WHY U STILL NO MILK?"

"U HAVE MILK ANOT ONE?"

THE BREAST FEEDING ADVOCATE ME has read so much about breastfeeding,

even taking note how long breast milk can last in freezer, chiller, etc.

ALL THIS MAKES ME DEPRESSED,

SO MUCH SO THAT I HATED EVERYONE,

EVERYONE.

In the toilet,

I made a life-impacting decision.

I am giving up,

and giving in to formula milk.

I came out of the toilet a changed person,

the world seems better.

Breastfeeding advocates, hold your horses.  

OKAY,

I STILL LATCH MY BABY ONCE A DAY.

I latch my baby when she fuses after feeding.

Though I am sure she is probably getting only 5-10ml from me,

I think I am more like a human pacifier to her ._.

But at least,

she is getting the 5-10ml of the goodness of breast milk.

Somemore,

mine's like limited edition,

so it is the goodness of the goodness (LOL).

UNCOMMON things to consider before getting pregnant

You may have read alot of 

"Things to consider before getting pregnant"

and most of it consists of having the baby for 40weeks (and how tough it is blah blah blah),

or the responsibilities of having a baby, finances, etc.

I'm gonna tell you some which ARE NOT COMMONLY the things to consider,

and of course, some common things as well.

1. PAIN

They seldom (or never) mention about pain, do they?

By pain, I mean excruciating pain.

This may apply to some people only.

(those who opt for no epidural or

those who opt for epidural and it didn't work, yes, that's me!).

If u think that epidural works for everyone,

well, it doesn't.

"It doesn't work for everyone.."

that's what the Doc said to me before he skillfully poked the needle into me.

Oh yes, having the needle poked into the spine is not painful.

So, this is my story:

On my estimated due date (edd), 24th Nov 2013, I felt slight menses cramps

(which is actually contractions).

On the 25th Nov 2013 (which is the day to induce delivery),

the contractions got worse.

While waiting to see the gynae (morning appt),

it got beyond worse and they put me on this scan machine to track the frequency of contractions.

Finally,

it is my turn to see the gynae 

and gynae poked me below and said I was 3cm dilated.

I was damn happy and thought I could faster give birth and get over with it.

Then she said

"You need to be 10cm dilated, that is the usual.."

WTF, FML!

So, I went to the delivery ward to wait for the 10cm dilation (which never came).

Things happened very quickly there:

1. I got changed and was told to urine in a cup.

2. Some nurse poke a mega needle into my vein on my hand which hurts like a bitch and 

is not supposed to hurt so much wtf is she doing to me!

3. Nurse connected me to a scan machine to track my contractions.

4. Was told I needed to clear my bowels and the next thing I know,

I got fucked (yes, fucked! my VIRGIN arsehole) by a pointed bottle.

5. Epidural-ed

6. Gynae came and poked my water bag.

7. Contractions Contractions Contractions

8. Ate sandwiches

All these while, Bei got chased by the nurses, wtf.

He also did the registration and upgraded me to 1 bedded (best decision ever).

Finally, after long miserable hours of waiting,

I finally got "transported" to the individual delivery room,

where there's at least a proper couch for Bei to sit.

Either the contractions got real bad or the epidural worn off,

I don't know which but I was suffering.

Poor Bei was nursing a bad throbbing headache,

he even went to buy medicated oil and showered his head with it 

Finally, at 5pm, the pain was TOTALLY UNBEARABLE

and I felt something pushing below.

So, the nurse poked me below and called for the gynae.

Gynae came and poked me.

(again..how many times am I gonna get FUCKED BY ALL THESE PEOPLE's FINGERS!!!!

seriously, don't know why the nurses need to poke me lah!! 

I HAVE A GYNAE, PLS LET HER DO THE POKING ONLY!!!)

She said I am 8cm dilated,

I can try pushing for 1-2 hours and see how.

So, she went off.

(I thought she will be pushing together with me, I guess not)

Bei is such an angel.

He was pushing with me for 1 hour,

shouting 

1-2-3 PUSH.

ALL THE WHILE,

the nurses kept CHANGING!!!

FUCKKKK!!!!

They change and change and change,

NO HELP IN PUSHING.

1 or 2 nurses that came,

helped with the pushing for once only then WALKED OUT AGAIN.

1 nurse even WATCHED THE TV 

while asking me to push.

FUCKKKKK UUUUUU,

I wanna stab them.

Then an hour later,

gynae came and pushed with me (yes please thank you!).

She said baby's BP going up,

so recommended to deliver asap.

So, she cut my below (cries!),

I COULD FEEL THE CUT but was too much in pain to care.

Baby got sucked out.

Baby cried.

Heaved a sign of relief that it's over.

Then panicked and asked if baby is okay.

Bei frantically taking pictures of baby

(he bought his professional camera but ended up using iphone to take pics)

We wanted to record a video,

but it didn't materialize. 

Faints!

I must say I am impressed by the speedy delivery,

the baby popped out in 5 mins time.

Bei felt that the 1 hour of pushing was redundant -.-"

Then, I got stitched up and could feel every single stitch and tug and pull.

PAIN

FUCKING PAINFUL

2. THE AFTERMATH

The pain doesn't stop after you delivered.

But of course, you can pop painkillers like I did for the first few days.

I stopped popping them

when I discharged.

Cos I wanted to know if I am healing not.

Cos if I dont feel anything, I could ended up sitting wrongly and splitting my stitches.

The first few days was the saddest.

Stitches swollen, had diarrhoea (still having it now, fml).

My stitches were all the way to the arsehole, so imagine me having diarrhoea.

It was the saddest few days of my life.

I wanted to just die on the toilet bowl.

I don't know if it is normal to have diarrhoea,

but I've been told diarrhoea is good, means I'm getting rid of the toxic in me.

70% of the time, ok I lied, I mean 90% of the time,

I diarrhoea on my pad.

I never even tell Bei about the shitting on pad,

he's gonna laugh at me for the rest of my life.

Seriously, is this even normal?

I hope this diarrhoea ends soon.

3. BABY & BREAST MILK

Yes, your baby will mean the world to you.

after the 40weeks and the pain you went through, the sacrifices you made (bye bye hour glass figure),

how can any mother not love their baby?

WHAT WERE THOSE MOTHER WHO KILLED THEIR BABIES THINKING!?!?

and yes, every mother thinks their baby is the cutest #truestory

Breast milk,

if you don't have, it is ok, it is normal

(I don't have much till now :( but it is ok, formula milk is fine).

People may comment that you have so little milk,

but don't let them put u down.

Join those mummies group,

they will encourage you and share what they do to increase breast milk.

4. GUILT

You feel guilty when you leave the care of your baby to others.

But you need to do that,

so that u can recover fully,

fuel up before taking care of baby yourself.

Even after u recovered,

you should occasionally take a break and have some me-time and couple-time.

That's to keep sane.

5. MOTHERHOOD

Motherhood is good,

enjoy it.

That's what everyone says!

No, it won't be good.

Imagine pumping/feeding, crying baby and not knowing what's wrong, worrying if your baby is shitting enough, worrying if your baby is feeling unwell, worrying if your baby is drinking too much or too little, etc.

But u can choose to feel good about motherhood.

Embrace it, embrace motherhood.

What I'm saying is,

every read/article that says Motherhood is good,

is actually telling you that u can choose to feel good about it.

It isn't really good.

****

My little princess doll,

cutest baby ever,

the smile melts my heart...